Conflict 101

HOW CONFLICT IS CREATED

WHY CONFLICT IS UNPLEASANT FOR US

BEGINNING TO LOOK AT CONFLICT IN A NEW WAY

WORKING TOGETHER

LOOKING MORE CLOSELY AT CONFLICT: AVOIDING FEAR

SEVEN TYPES OF CONFLICT

Data
Relationship
Values
Resources
History
Structural
Psychological

CONFLICT IN THE ANCIENT WORLD

CONFLICT IN THE MODERN WORLD

THE THREE MOST COMMON RESPONSES TO CONFLICT

Fighting
Avoiding
Acquiescing

EXPANDING OUR COMPETENCE IN PROBLEM SOLVING

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It is useful to understand how conflict starts and is carried on. (We'll speak here in terms of just two parties in order to keep things simple.)

Conflict occurs when one party decides that the way things are is not okay and seeks change, but that change is not agreed to by the other party. It is important to realize that despite the old saying that "it takes two to tangle", in reality it only takes one party to declare a conflict. At that point, the other party is drawn into the conflict whether they want to be or not, unless they have the option to leave the relationship. In a public school situation, neither the parent nor the school can leave, unless the parent pulls the child from the school system entirely.

Whether a conflict remains unresolved, is resolved with good feelings on all sides, or becomes a protracted legal dispute with high emotional and financial cost depends primarily upon the skill the parties have as dispute resolvers.

Our society's prevailing view of conflict is brought into sharp focus with this definition from Webster's New World Dictionary:

3. sharp disagreement or opposition as of interests, ideas, etc.

4. emotional disturbance resulting from a clash of opposing impulses

The preceding definition makes it sound like a root canal would be preferable to any sort of conflict. Truthfully, conflict is stressful and unpleasant for a majority of people. One of the main reasons this is so is that most of us are not confident of our ability to successfully resolve disputes.

Sometimes, we may pave over the conflict with superficial gestures or social masking. Another common strategy is blaming, talking or complaining about the situation with friends or third parties (while failing to talk directly to the other party we are in disagreement with). This may give some emotional venting or relief but rarely solves the problem, especially when our friends agree with our view and reinforce our necessarily one-sided perspective.

If we perceive the conflict as truly serious, we may contract with lawyers as our hired guns to deal with our problems. We use lawyers because the complexity of the law is so intimidating, and also so we do not have to confront the issues or the people involved directly. However, this third party approach has some definite liabilities, which include a high monetary cost, a loss of personal control over the outcome, and a winner/loser scenario that can provide the basis for future conflict.

Despite all of its negative aspects, conflict and disagreement between people has its good side. Conflict is actually the main vehicle through which change takes place in our society. When we disagree, it helps us sharpen our focus and define what the important issues are for us. Suppression of conflict and dissent is a sure sign that freedom is on the decline and democracy is in trouble. Seen from this point of view, conflict is both evolutionary and absolutely necessary.

Unless we have reached a utopian society, there will always be conflict, as there will always be disagreement about what is fair and best for all of us. If we accept the inevitability of conflict, it becomes obvious that it is in our best interest to gain the skills to be successful dispute resolvers.

It can be useful to begin to think about conflict as potentially beneficial in the long term: normal, natural and something to engage, not avoid. It will be easiest to make this kind of a shift in attitude if we have good

skills to resolve conflict. We naturally tend to be attracted to those things we do well and shy away from those we are not so good at. Therefore, if we want to gain a more positive attitude about conflict when it appears, we will want to expand our skills to resolve conflict effectively.

Depending upon the range and quality of our dispute resolution toolbox, dealing with disagreement does not have to be disagreeable. Successfully resolving a conflict can actually be an enjoyable and empowering experience. Becoming more skilled in resolving disputes and solving problems can also help us to understand the workings of the human mind in relationships, which can lead to better relationships overall. This is not to say that problem solving is always fun or easy; in fact, many times it is hard work. The rewards, however, usually are worth it.

In special education, parents and teachers often work even more closely together than with a regular education student. A special education child may have more difficulty than a regular education child in fitting in, especially in today's school climate of educational reform with the emphasis on achievement, high-stakes tests, and certificates of mastery. With all of this pressure to perform, it's all too easy for parents and teachers to get stressed and fall into conflict.

When we do have a school-based conflict, it's almost always desirable to avoid a win/lose outcome, because we are going to have to continue to work together in the best interests of the child. The relationship between parents and school is ongoing; it continues long after the conflict is over. The last thing we need is for one to feel like a winner and the other a loser.

Parent and teacher are the two centers of almost every child's universe. No one knows their child better than the parents. No one knows how to teach better than the teacher. It is a centered child who finds that his/her universes are in harmony with each other. The consistency breeds safety, which allows growth.

The whole flock is able to fly 71% further than if each bird flew alone.

Any conflict can give rise to feelings which may manifest as physical or mental anxiety about a situation. At the root of these feelings is fear. A wise teacher once said, "If you're afraid of something, become interested in it!".

Looking with "interest" at conflict, we see that the root causes of conflicts can be broken down into fairly clear and distinct categories. Solutions usually must take into account the underlying type of conflict.

A preliminary step in resolving conflict is to understand what the conflict is actually about. Having a clear picture of what the issues are reduces the chance of a mismatch between the problem and the solution. In this section, we identify conflicts according to their core elements. Seven main types of conflict are discussed below: data conflicts, relationship conflicts, conflicts over values, conflicts regarding resources, conflicts about past history, conflicts about structure, and psychological conflicts.

Conflicts can be complex, and they may not always be about what they seem. For example, a disagreement that seems to be about data may actually have elements of relationship or values embedded within it. It's necessary to observe carefully to determine the true combination of elements that are involved.

There are conflicts which exist primarily over data or facts. Most data conflicts have data or factual solutions, either through obtaining more information or through new data collection.

Example: Mother is convinced that her daughter can learn to read on grade level and accuses the school district of failing to provide appropriate instruction. However, two separate ability tests given several years ago place her daughter's IQ between the 2nd and 5th percentile, leading school personnel to believe that grade level performance is most likely unrealistic. Mother believes, for a number of reasons, that the test results are invalid.

Discussion: Some methods of using data to help resolve the issue could include providing more information regarding the relationship of IQ to reading achievement, re-doing the ability test to meet mother's concerns about test validity, or devising a data-driven reading instructional plan and reading assessment strategy that everyone can agree on.

Conflicts can arise over a relationship, or over a communication style.

Example: Father is upset because he believes that the special education teacher is not following up sufficiently on his child. He states that an agreement to provide weekly feedback regarding progress has not been reliably kept. Finally, he feels that the special education teacher is condescending and diffident in her dealings with him, often failing to return his phone calls the same day.

Discussion: Educational relationships can often be improved by clearly stating needs, developing clear expectations, and writing agreements down for the parties to follow. Many times people are unaware of how they come across to others. "You can't change if you aren't told what's wrong!"

Conflicts can occur over values, where the parties have perceived or actual incompatibilities in their belief systems.

Example: Maryís teacher feels that Mary, a third grader, gains valuable social skills and modeling when she participates in problem-solving class meetings. Mary's mother feels that school is a time that Mary should be learning her math facts, particularly since she is behind. She wants Mary pulled out for individualized math instruction during class meeting time.

Discussion: Our values help us define what is right or wrong in any situation, and provide a moral compass for our lives. Different values do not need to cause conflict; people can live together in harmony with different value systems. The keys to successful resolution are improvement and expansion of tolerance, understanding, and acceptance of others points of view.

Conflicts often occur over real or perceived scarcity of resources:

Example: Beth is a student who requires assistive technology in order to communicate. Her parents feel strongly that she needs the latest in voice-generating computer technology in order to maximize progress on her IEP. This technology costs over $10,000. The school district feels that Beth's IEP goals can be met by utilizing existing technology at a much lower cost.

Discussion: A key concept useful to work with when scarce resources are at stake is that of expanding the pie. Expanding the pie involves brainstorming ways to use existing resources more effectively. Perhaps the technology can be leased instead of bought; perhaps it can be shared. The possible solutions are limited only by the flexibility and creativity of those involved.

Conflicts occasionally result from a history of slights or bad blood between parents and schools. Sometimes the core of these conflicts goes clear back to when those parents were students themselves.

Example: John, a parent, has a great deal of difficulty communicating with the school, particularly when his child is in trouble. He comes to meetings stiffly, with his arms folded, and says little. Privately, he blames the school for picking on his child. John went to this school as a child and remembers his experience in mostly negative terms.

and to ultimately allow a new perspective to emerge overtime.

It's important to remember that histories weren't created overnight and usually won't be resolved overnight. Building trust takes time.

Conflicts can occur over how to deal with structural realities which exist outside the immediate world of the parent/school but which are having an impact on them.

Example: Vicki is a child with medical/emotional issues that sometimes require her mother's attention. School is not going well and frustration is mounting because mother must work and cannot come to school when she is needed and when she would like to.

Discussion: It can be helpful to assist those involved with this type of problem to appreciate the external forces and constraints bearing upon them. Their appreciation that a conflict has an external source can have the effect of everyone coming together to jointly address the impos